The Rude Things People Say about Adoption

(If you have seen my rants on FB than I apologize for the repetitiveness of this post. Otherwise, read on if you wish.)

Yesterday at Fred Meyers, while getting checked out at the register, the cashier made a comment to me: "Looks like your boys got tanner than their mother!" I sorta smiled and walked away.. fuming as I got closer to the car.

I KNOW that most people don't mean to offend, but I'm getting tired of people's ignorance.

And NOSINESS.

I want to have good come-backs to their annoying, rude, nosy comments/questions but I can never think of any at that moment, which just makes me more mad. I don't need to respond rudely back to them-even though sometimes that would feel real empowering-but I don't want to just walk away anymore, letting the moment to educate them pass me by.

I can't tell you how many times Andrew and I have heard the following comments (from strangers or people we don't know very well):

*"What happened to their "real" mom (or dad)." What I want to say to them: I think I'm pretty REAL myself.

*"Do you know who the "real" mom is?"

*In reference to our two boys - "Are they "real" brothers?" "Real? No, they are completely animatronic, but aren't they life-like?"

*"Where did you get him?" "You mean where was he born?"

*"How much did the adoption cost?" We wouldn't ask you how much your hospital bills cost when you gave birth. So don't ask us how much our adoption costs. Besides, there's not a price you can put on a child. and it's just none of your business (unless you want to pay for all the fees!). Unless you yourself are considering international adoption, and this parent has offered to give you advice/input, please don't ask this question. And asking this while my boy is standing right there! I'm just waiting the inevitable question from him asking "did you buy me?" grrrr.

*"Why didn't you adopt from the USA instead of through an international adoption? There are so many needy children in foster care here." Imagine you are holding your sweet newborn in the grocery line, just a few weeks after giving birth. A total stranger asks you "Why didn't you adopt?" or says, "There are so many needy children, how come you didn't adopt?" Of course that sounds very crazy, just as it would asking someone why they didn't adopt locally.

*"I saw that 20/20 show where the kids from Russia were just crazy.", or "Aren't you worried your child with have fetal alcohol syndrome or autism?", or "An older child, they have bonding issues" We don't need to hear horror stories. We've done the research. It would be like saying to someone who just found out they were pregnant: "Well my friend got pregnant and (insert horror story). "

*"They look just like you." (patronizing) We can tell when someone goes out of their way and try to show us they approve. OR, maybe they think they need to make us feel better? Like we feel slighted for adopting? WHATEVER.

*"Just wait, now you'll get pregnant!" Only about 3% of adoptive parents get pregnant after adopting. This seems like a harmless statement, but very hurtful. It suggests that a biological child is better than an adoptive child.

*"What wonderful people you are. I admire you." -OR- "It takes a special person to do what you are doing. I could never do it." How would you feel if someone looked at your biological child and say, "Wow, you are such a special person to take care of him/her! I don't know how you do it!" What Andrew and I have done for our children is minor compared with the joy they've given us.

Then there is the STARING. I get the staring. Interracial families attract attention and it's human nature to look. We catch them staring, and they smile warmly in an effort to convey their support. (sometimes they just stare and don't smile). What we wish, was if they would realize that we don't need approval, or an enthusiastic smile. What we need is for them not to make a big deal out of noticing. Interracially adopted kids and their families long for privacy: just to be treated like any other human being whose history the public doesn't assume it knows or assume it has the right to know.

So how can we respond nicely but making our point and hopefully educating others? I saw the following on a adoption bulletin online:

~I'm sure you didn't mean to be rude and insensitive and I'd be more than happy to educate you on adoption if you would like?"
~"Not real? I'm confused....is your husband who is not blood related to you, real?"
~"What do you mean by real? Or did you mean simply that I'm not his biological parent?"
~"Wasn't it James Earl Jones, the famous actor, who said "Family relationships come from real bonding, not from something imagined, or a presumption about genetic inheritance."?

I guess I am just annoyed right now. I knew we'd go through this, and we have, and that's life, but it's annoying all the same. As someone once said (don't remember who, but yes, I'm stealing the line): That's the downside of being so interesting.

Maybe I am being overly sensitive. I know some people think so, but I also don't think I am alone.

An Adoptive child's background is not available for public discussion. Unless you are a friend or relative of an adoptive family, it's best to look for answers through adoption agencies, or online.

In closing, I'd like to share a part of an article that was in Oprah's Magazine. Some of the info in this post is from it, as well as the following paragraph.

Someday, I hope, we'll live in a world where racial or sexual or familial differences don't matter because we'll have achieved the understanding that one kind, or one way, is not necessarily better than another. As for now, I fear we routinely call unneeded attention to these differences. For example, why are Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise's kids described as their "adopted kids"? Why aren't they just identified as "their kids"? Or why did the press write that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were expecting their first child when they already have a son and a daughter? What's next? "Angelina and Brad's biologically born child joins their adopted son and adopted daughter." Or "So-and-so's donor-egg-born son joins their gestationally carried, IVF-born daughter." We don't refer to how biological children become a part of their families, so why do we point out adoption?