There is a reason for my post somewhere - or is it just rambling

I keep thinking about my family. My entire family: immediate family, extended family, family-in-law. The family members who are in a good place, and the family members who are struggling. I feel like I am on a roller coaster and I know I'm not the only one. So many thoughts have flown in and out of my mind and heart lately that I can't really organize my thoughts- which is probably how random this post will be as you read it. If you read it.

I hate seeing my family members in pain, yet it's inevitible in life. I hate feeling helpless in that I can't take their pain away. It's hard to sit back and let life happen when it's not how you want it to go.

But

I pray every day to find the positives. It works. I see the wonderful things in my family. Although pain might afflict those close to me, I see the blessings in that they are somehow able to endure the pain and have the strength to keep fighting. I am in awe of their strength and wish I could have that as well. I see the illness, and heartache. While it is a sad and hard thing to deal with, I see also that it brings loved ones closer. It's yin and yang. It's a balance in all things. We can't know joy and happiness and humor if we don't know sadness, and pain.

I am trying to find the good, but it's hard. I miss those far away, and I miss those close by too. I am happy to see Solomon begin to thrive in school. I am happy when I see Jerricho play with his cousin and hear them giggle. I wish I could give my father-in-law a big big hug, but I know that he knows I love him. I am sad to see family members feel lost and lonely and I am proud to see others who have found spiritual peace within.

Then there is me. I have learned over the past 4 years how to accept myself, reminding myself that I am enough. I am good the way I am. I am learning, trying to forgive and heal myself from unacceptable wrongdoing when I was a teen. I used to curse God and say "how could you let him do that to me", but God is not a fire-and-brimstone God, and I know he doesn't purposely cause pain to good people. Then I remind myself that God also gave me the strength to work through that pain from the past, and that I have learned how to be assertive and take care of myself when needed because of it.

I have learned that it takes work to recover from "issues" that I have and work I have done, and still am doing. It takes work for me to look in the mirror and be able to say "It is good". It has taken work for me to find my unique purpose in life and to realize that anything that holds me back from that purpose needs to be out of my life. It has taken years of work to put those negative thoughts out of my life, and still working on it. But it is better than it used to be. I wake up every morning and remind myself of my purpose in life and I pray that I will live my day aligned with it.

I know I can't just sit back and let things happen to me. I can't wait for someone to fix me. I have to do the work.

I wish I could help my family. All I can do is be there for them when they need an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on.

I am blessed to have family. My sisters make me laugh. My brothers never seize to amaze me of their strength.

Thank you:

Mom (Linda) - for encouraging me in my music when I was growing up and helping me see that teaching was the road I should pursue
Dad (Marty) - for giving me your (corny) sense of humor
Mom (Elaine) - teaching me strength and endurance (and how to crochet)
Dad (Jerry) - for all the hugs and affection
Rachel - for all the good advice growing up and now and all our good chats
Brian - for sharing your friends growing up
Allie - for your silliness and for being someone with whom I can quote songs and movies
Deedee - for showing me strength and for loving your brother, my husband
Kim - accepting me into the family, chatting and and for your loving your brother, my husband
Joe Joe - for letting us in, and for loving your nephews

Solomon - for your smile, hugs and sweetness
Jerricho - for making me laugh and teaching me patience

Andrew - for your unconditional love, for making me laugh even when I am mad, for teaching me (trying to teach me) how to think things through logically, and for all you do for me and our family.

•Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.

I am the nuts in the fudge. Thank you family for loving me anyway.